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When we talk about discovering your Enneagram type, what we’re looking for is what motivates you. We are far more concerned with the WHY behind the WHAT because two types can do the same thing for very different reasons.
It’s a powerful discovery when we realize that we don’t all operate from the same motivations. Powerful, humbling, enlightening, and helpful.
One element of motivation is the core desire – what I call the Desperate Desire.
This is the relentless need at the core of you that unconsciously drives your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. It picks up habits and implements patterns as it discovers what works and what doesn’t work as it desperately tries to meet this need.
What’s tricky about this Desperate Desire is that while it does a good job at meeting its need, it is a substitute for the real desire of the human heart: to be fully known and fully loved. Somewhere in development, the Desperate Desire crept in, thinking that this must be the way people get to be known and loved, without realizing that its efforts are layering distance between Beautiful You and Strategic Personality. In childhood, this was really helpful and even exceptionally intelligent. But we tend to carry these tactics into adulthood and let them determine the path we take.
As we become aware of this desire, we begin to see it underneath everything.
Again, this is very freeing! Although, to be honest, at first it can be a little discouraging or even a little neutral. After all, we all have desires, so what is so wrong about chasing after them? What is so wrong about needing to be seen or safe or happy? Nothing, actually! The desire in itself isn’t wrong or bad or discouraging.
It’s when we let our Desperate Desire run the show without our supervision that it turns into a trap.
You are more than your desire, but it will drive you if you aren’t aware of it.
So, the next time you catch yourself on autopilot or feel frustrated or disappointed, stop and ask yourself why. Keep asking why until you get to the bottom of what was driving the feeling and see if it was an unmet desire. There is no right or wrong answer here, just curiosity and kindness.
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Desperate Desires (that we think will get us loved) by Enneagram type
One: to be good, right, correct, irreproachable, have integrity
Two: to be worthy of love, irreplaceable, indispensable, accepted, well liked
Three: to be valuable, successful, admirable, impressive
Four: to be understood, authentically themselves, unique, original
Five: to be capable, competent, knowledgeable, wise, protected
Six: to be safe, secure, stable, certain, supported, prepared
Seven: to be happy, stimulated, experience all of life’s pleasures, to be ok
Eight: to be strong, powerful, autonomous, at the mercy of no one
Nine: to be seen and heard, to belong, harmony, peace within and without, inclusion
There are so many tactics and strategies that these desires generate. While you may not see your desire exercised in the same way another person of your type, it will always come back to a desire to be _____ in order to gain the love we so desperately need.
Keep observing. Keep asking why. And then ask yourself, “Is this really what it will take for me to be fully known and fully loved?” The more we sit with it, the more we feel the Desperate Desire’s grip loosen.
One step closer to freedom.
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How does understanding how you are unconsciously driven help you on your way to living freely and fully? What is one thing you can do to loosen its grip?
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