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I’ve started this post no less than five times. It’s interesting to observe the discomfort with which I keep writing and erasing. This particular topic is uncomfortable. The greatest fear our type structure has is of exposure and loosening. It knows that once we become aware of our automatic patterns and unconscious operations we will begin to release the grip it has on us.
And no where does it fear this release more than in the Ego Idealization*.
We all have images of ourselves, including who we think we are and who we want to be. There’s nothing innately wrong with having an idea of who we would like to be – it can serve as a goal for growth and an incentive to put in the work. The trouble comes when that “like to be” turns into “have to be” and the idea becomes an idealization.
The hand that held the idea loosely clenches the idealization in a suffocating fist.
You are more than your Ego Idealization, but it will shape your choices if you don’t release it.
The Ego Idealization is the sense of self that you “must” be so the world will love, accept, and protect you. It is the image that is meticulously cultivated in service to the core motivations. We shape our choices around what will keep this idealization in place. We weigh our options against whether it will uphold the person we want others to see. The Ego Idealization is a strong force as it compels submission to its one aim – to be the liaison between you and the world no matter the cost.
The Desperate Desire and the Ego Idealization are intricately linked, fueled by the Frantic Fear, Emotional Habit, and Mental Fixation. They interact to keep the type structure firmly in place, distorting the mirror so the Ego Idealization is at once the current reality and completely unattainable. It may appear as a pep talk, a whimper for help, or a battle cry.
When we catch ourselves living into the Ego Idealization, altering our preferences for what will best display it, we can pause and breathe into the truth of who we are and how we are loved for that actual self rather than the image we work so hard to maintain. We can consciously choose to relax the pace that drives us to desperation in trying to reach this unreachable ideal.
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Ego Idealizations (that we must be) by Enneagram Type**
One: I am a Good Person – always moral and responsible, never bad or mediocre.
Two: I am a Loving Person – always thoughtful and generous, never selfish or insensitive.
Three: I am an Effective Person – always professional and competent, never idle or inadequate.
Four: I am an Original Person – always creative and authentic, never ordinary or boring.
Five: I am a Wise Person – always knowledgeable and autonomous, never emotional or transparent.
Six: I am a Loyal Person – always reliable and consistent, never untrustworthy or difficult.
Seven: I am the Joyful Person – always optimistic and enthusiastic, never trapped or pessimistic.
Eight: I am the Powerful Person – always invincible and forceful, never weak or cowardly.
Nine: I am the Peaceful Person – always easygoing and accepting, never pushy or ambitious.
There are so many tactics and strategies that these Ego Idealizations generate. While you may not see your Ego Idealization exercised in the same way another person of your type, it will always come back to trying to be __________ in order to serve our motivations.
Keep observing. Keep asking why. And then ask yourself, “Is this really what it will take for me to be fully known and fully loved?” The more we sit with it, the more we feel the Ego Idealization’s grip loosen.
One step closer to freedom.
*Jerome Wagner speaks of the Ego Ideal in Nine Lenses on the World, and The Narrative Enneagram discusses this as the type’s Idealization. Ego Idealization feels like a good blend of the two.
**I’ve pulled these statements from Ginger Lapid-Bogda’s The Art of Typing which is based on the work of Jerome Wagner in Nine Lenses on the World
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