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The second component of motivation is the core fear – what I call the Frantic Fear. While there are certain types that appear to be more fear based than others, the truth is we all have a fear that is tied to our desire, and it makes us run.
Our Desperate Desire drives us towards something. Our Frantic Fear runs us away from something. Both are in the service of that deep human need to be fully known and fully loved.
Our Frantic Fear is proficient at keeping us away from what could damage our chances at being loved. It keeps up a steady narrative that there are certain things we do, think, and feel that are disqualifying and unacceptable and should be avoided at all costs. It wraps fear around our created selves and implements strategic tactics to prevent exposure, because what it fears more than anything is to be fully known and not fully loved or fully loved and not fully known.
It’s smart. It’s relentless. And it’s not you.
You are more than your fear, but if you aren’t aware of it, it will have you running in all sorts of directions.
Awareness is the key here. The more we intentionally observe ourselves in action, the quicker we can identify when we are acting, speaking, thinking, etc, from our Frantic Fear. Its job is self-survival, but it often damages our relationships, opportunities, and confidence in the process.
But here’s a freeing thought: the fear-run process is not inevitable. It can be stopped.
Yes, as crazy as you may feel, as you identify “I’m in the process of acting from fear!” you can stop it. You can make the choice to say – yes, even to the person you’re talking with! – “I’m acting from fear right now. That’s not what I want to do. Let me take a pause and start over.”
I’m going to address what happens next in more detail at the end of this series, but for now, practice the pause. Practice noticing where you’re acting from, pausing, and truly allowing yourself to be aware of what’s happening, be curious about where it’s coming from, asking yourself if that’s really what you want, and then making a choice about where to grow from here.
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Frantic Fear (that we think will get us love) by Enneagram Type
One: being bad, wrong, incorrect, irredeemable, inherently evil, corrupt
Two: being rejected, unworthy of love, disliked, unwanted, disposable
Three: being a failure, worthless, incompetent, exposed as a fraud
Four: being ordinary, mundane, misunderstood, inauthentic, emotionally cut-off
Five: being incapable, ignorant, without resources, depleted of energy, invaded
Six: being attacked, blamed, unsupported, alone, in danger without help
Seven: being trapped in pain, stuck in suffering, deprived of pleasure, without escape
Eight: being weak, harmed, taken advantage of, controlled by others, unprotected
Nine: being disconnected, annihilated, unseen, surrounded by chaos or conflict, left out
There are so many tactics and strategies that these fears generate. While you may not see your fear exercised in the same way another person of your type, it will always come back to a fear of being __________ in order to prevent losing the love we so desperately need.
Keep observing. Keep asking why. And then ask yourself, “Is this really what it will take for me to be fully known and fully loved?” The more we sit with it, the more we feel the Frantic Fear’s grip loosen.
One step closer to freedom.
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How does understanding how fear unconsciously makes you run help you on your way to living freely and fully? What is one thing you can do today to loosen its grip?
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