You are More than Your Longing – Though it Can Manipulate You

Rounding out the formula for “motivation” is the core longing – what I call the Unanswered Longing. (Whether or not a teacher/author puts longing into motivation, it’s never far behind. Riso and Hudson call this the “lost childhood message.”)

The idea here is that deep within, there is a yearning that fuels the desire and fear because it is constantly trying to be answered. Whether it was a message we didn’t hear in childhood and needed to, or we heard the opposite message in childhood and it’s a wound that won’t heal, this longing is the identity we burn to have confirmed so we can believe it to be true.

Like the Desperate Desire and Frantic Fear, it’s tricky. This isn’t simply needing a compliment, encouragement, or reassurance. This is an unsettling in oneself that something is off and no amount of striving will make it better. This is chasing after a voice that will settle once and for all who we are. This is the hunger to have no reason to doubt we are fully known and fully loved.

The Unanswered Longing is the haunting internalization that being fully loved will be impossible once one is fully known.

You are more than your longing, but it will absolutely manipulate you if it is left to burn on its own.

The Unanswered Longing will do everything it can to be answered, and when it frantically fears being answered negatively, it will fan the flame of desperation and drive the desire more powerfully. It is at the root of misunderstandings, miscommunications, conflict, disconnection, frustration, and disappointment. It will try to prove, protect, and promote, and rarely pauses. It will strain relationships, deplete energy, and rob joy. It will relentlessly twist memories of interactions to confirm that the longing will never truly be fulfilled.

So how do we answer this Unanswered Longing?

As with all things, awareness is the first step. When we become aware that we are constantly seeking to confirm our identity, we begin to notice it in action. And when we catch it in the moment, then we can pause, trace the pattern, and inquire within. What are we choosing to believe about ourselves? Is it true? Where is it coming from? Why? How is this driving my desire and feeding my fear? How is this manipulating my thoughts, feelings, and actions?

Simply asking, “How does my unanswered longing operate in my life?” can be very revealing and helpful.

And then speak truth to yourself. What is the truth? Where does it come from?

As a follower of Jesus, I have found I cannot answer this longing from within myself. I’ve tried, and it always comes up short. It can be helpful to repeat my type’s affirmations to myself, but honestly, there’s often an emptiness past the mantra. I know people who have found a lot of comfort in finding their identity within themselves and answering this longing with self-affirmation, and I respect that space as we work together. But my hope and foundation come from who I am in Christ; the Enneagram is a tool that helps me see that. So, as I list the longings below, I’m offering two perspectives: the traditional Enneagram language and a Christ-centered perspective that offers hope for the longing.

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Unanswered Longing (that we are desperate to believe) by Enneagram Type

One: I am good. / Christ is my righteousness, and I am blameless by his grace alone.

Two: I am wanted and loved. / Christ loves me with an everlasting love, and I am his beloved.

Three: I am loved for who I am and not what I do. / Christ accomplished everything on the cross, and I am accepted as I am.

Four: I am seen and loved for who I truly am. / Christ created me intricately and specifically, and I am completely loved.

Five: My needs are not a problem. / Christ knows my needs before I speak them, and I am provided for by his grace.

Six: I am safe. / Christ holds me in his hand, and I am hidden with him.

Seven: I am taken care of. / Christ shelters me under his wings, and I have everything I need in him.

Eight: I am protected. / Christ is my strength and my fortress, and I have nothing to fear.

Nine: My presence matters. / Christ chose me before the world began, and I am important to him.

There are so many tactics and strategies that these longings generate. While you may not see your longing exercised in the same way another person of your type, it will always come back to a longing of being __________ in order to prevent losing the love we so desperately need.

Keep observing. Keep asking why. And then ask yourself, “Is this really what it will take for me to be fully known and fully loved?” The more we sit with it, the more we feel the Unanswered Longing’s grip loosen.

One step closer to freedom.